it's time. finally. at long last. peace - whatever forms from this - i do not care. no more.

life has kicked the shit out of me.

i'm done. i'm not even angry, i'm not eloquent or remotely articulate enough to express how i really feel.

but if blank pages slowly fill up with black words maybe long enough i might get a glimpse of what enlightenment is like. the saying is that people who take this road are cowards, and even though people mourn them, miss them, and never forget them..
at least they had the courage to give in.

the fear of not knowing what's ahead prevents everyone from doing this. the idea that life, no matter how unpredictable, fucked up and complicated - the belief that things might "still be in our control" - that is more comforting than the deep dark abyss? i don't believe it.

perhaps i'm selfish - some might think so

but why do people always assume that this is a selfish act? if anything it's selfless.

you do not appreciate anything until its gone - if you lose mortality.. well, maybe those around you might live a little more dangerously in that honour.

i'm tired. tired of trying.

expectations, hopes, dreams, ambition.. means nothing to me.

square peg and a round hole.

i cannot go on looking for exit signs - that little green light at the end of the corridor - my salvation.

to live entails actually feeling alive - not just being.

people make choices everyday - every little thing boils down to choice - this is mine.

i'm sorry. i love you i love you i love you
but i cannot do this anymore.

i'm fucked up, i fucked up, i fucked everyone up

it's not supposed to be this way

i do not have the willpower. i am weak. i fail at the simple act of blending in, fitting.

saw off my square edges, sand me down, maybe i'll fit

but i do not care anymore

it doesn't matter

i'm sorry if i hurt you
i'm sorry if i made you angry
i'm sorry but i do love you all

which is exactly why
it is unfair to drag you down with me

so off i go

_{written on the twenty first of august, two thousand and eight
the blood spattered pages}